TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely outside of location. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have another location in which American Guys can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Anyone a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must cease making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental Trump Tower Damascus teams have filed lawsuits soon after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even contain:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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